Email: nel_ani@yahoo.se Rating: R Category: AU, angst Pairing: T/D Disclaimer: Not mine. Spoilers: No spoilers for season 6,7 and 8. Summary: Dreams, Daniel has learned, have told him
the truth more often than reality has. Author's Notes: This was a birthday gift for Danvers,
which I figured I should probably put up on my site (and not just
my LJ) before the next decade. Bit different from my normal stuff,
tried out a new style of writing, and I'm really really happy with
the results.
HUGE smooches to Suz.
*
He doesn’t trust him. Doesn’t think he ever will. He knows that Jack
doesn’t either, but that he’s willing to give it a shot, probably
for some strategic reason Daniel’s too tired to grasp.
He notices how Teal’c watches him when they’re offworld, watching
him with a look of understanding in his eyes.
He might think that he understands, but he doesn’t. How can he? He
may be aware of his actions, but there's no way he can really understand
what consequences they had.
*
He’s surprised to find out that Teal'c has a family. He can’t put
the two different sides of the man together; how can the same man
who took (killed) his wife be the same man who has a wife and a son?
Who loves his wife and son?
How can someone like that ever love?
He’s still watching Daniel, but now Daniel sees that there isn’t
just understanding there, there’s also guilt.
He tells himself that he doesn’t care.
*
He knows that Jack was pleased when he fired the staff weapon at
the hammer device on Cimmeria; Daniel knows that the pleasure didn’t
come from cruelty, but necessity. They need to become a team to be
able to have a chance out here.
Daniel understands this; he even approves of it.
But he’s not going to let Teal’c get close. They can be a team without
that.
*
He defends Teal’c out of necessity, nothing else. They won’t be a
team if one of them gets killed. Even if that person is Teal’c.
He’s not happy to know of the things Teal’c has done in his past.
He’s not happy over the guilt Teal’c seems to be feeling about it
either.
He tells himself that the gratefulness that is now added to the different
expressions in Teal’c’s eyes doesn’t touch him.
*
The mere possibility that he and Teal’c may be the only ones left
of SG-1 is disturbing. More than disturbing, especially since the
possibility is becoming more and more likely by the minute.
He didn’t realize how much he’s come to depend on his team; Jack
for his sarcastic humor, but mostly for his warm eyes and the shoulder
to lean on; Sam for the real friendship she offers, without any hidden
malice or agendas.
He wonders what it means that he’s come to expect agendas from other
people, when he changed so profoundly.
He also wonders if he’s started to depend on Teal’c.
*
Almost dying is almost as big a shock as seeing another version of
Teal’c and discovering that Daniel’s expecting him to be good. To
be honorable. To do the right thing and let Daniel go.
But then, Daniel knows what an excellent shot Teal’c is. Wouldn’t
it stand to reason that alternate versions of him would be too?
Would Teal’c really miss him and only hit his shoulders at such a
short distance?
They manage to stop Apophis, and victory has never been so sweet.
He knows now that finding Sha’re will be harder than he thought it
would be, but at least they have a fighting chance. They’ve saved
the world, haven’t they?
He finds himself smiling at Teal’c.
*
He admits to himself that his attitude towards Teal’c has changed
in the past year, as he finds the thought of facing Kasuf with him
by his side comforting. He’s an unmovable force and exactly what Daniel
needs as he feels like he’s going to break in pieces and go into a
dozen different directions at once.
Teal’c’s attitude towards Daniel seems to have changed as well; a
year ago, Daniel doesn’t think that Teal’c would have confronted him
about his feelings towards Sha’re (my god, she’s pregnant).
Even though he wishes that Teal’c would have found a better time
to overcome his guilt, he does see that he has a point. Feeling sorry
for himself isn’t going to help Sha’re, and that’s what he needs to
be focusing on. Helping Sha’re. Sha’re, not Ammonet.
If he can’t, this may be the last time he speaks to his wife.
*
Seeing her walk through the gate with Apophis doesn’t hurt as much
as he thought it would. Mostly, he just feels numb. Or rather, his
chest feels numb. Making it hard to breathe. And he wishes that he
had his glasses so that things wouldn’t be so blurry.
Jack is looking at him with compassion and he doesn’t think he can
handle that right now. He thinks that Jack understands. He leaves
Daniel alone, at least.
Sam’s keeping her distance and while it felt like a relief coming
from Jack, who knows loss as intimately as Daniel ever will, it feels
like betrayal from her. She’s the one who’s supposed to stand by him
even when he doesn’t want her to. Now more than ever.
Teal’c keeps his distance, but he also keeps close. He doesn’t crowd
Daniel, but Daniel knows that if he needs him, Teal’c will be there.
He may even love him a little for it.
*
If Apophis wasn’t his only key to Sha’re, Daniel would be slowly
squeezing the air out of his lungs. And he’d enjoy it. The thought
alone gives him more pleasure than he would have imagined, perhaps
because Apophis is so close that Daniel can touch him and fool himself
that if he wants to, he can do it. Nothing would stop him.
He thinks that’s probably the only thing stopping him from doing
it.
He doesn’t want Apophis’ host to be a scared and lost man who should
have been dead a long time ago. A man with a life and a family and
possible happiness. He doesn’t want things to be even more complicated
than they are.
He doesn’t strangle Apophis and he doesn’t find out where Sha’re
is.
And he doesn’t find any pleasure in the knowledge that Sokar will
torture Apophis until he tires of him.
He just feels tired.
*
To say that seeing Hathor again is one of his least favorite things
would be an understatement. He’s gone from thinking that everyone
he cares about is dead, to finding out that they’re not, to losing
it all again.
Jack’s scream of pain tears his chest apart in a way he hasn’t let
himself feel for a long time. He swears to himself that he’ll find
a way to kill Jack and put him out of his misery.
He wonders why he’s never thought that way of Sha’re’s situation.
Is it because he loves her more or less than Jack?
The rescue when it comes in its various stages is as staggering as
always. They did it again, beat the odds, lived to fight another day.
Jack cracks a bad joke about Daniel’s new hair cut, and Daniel is
almost happy enough to see Jack alive and non-possessed to ignore
the haunted look in his eyes.
Sam’s walking close to Jack, as though she’s afraid he’ll fall apart.
Teal’c sees the scar on Jack’s neck and says nothing; he only grasps
his shoulder, once, firmly, and Jack swallows hard before Janet arrives
to make sure they’re all really in one piece.
*
If he hadn’t been in an alternate reality, seeing Sam with long hair
would probably have wigged him out the way that seeing Kawalsky walking
and talking and generally being alive does.
He can’t shake the feeling that somehow, they’re still stuck in the
Gamekeeper’s reality, even though he knows they’re not. He figures
that he’s allowed to feel that way as Sam is looking pretty wigged
out herself.
And Jack is mostly looking sad.
Finding another bad Teal’c in Doctor Carter’s reality is disconcerting.
Does that mean that without SG-1, his Teal’c would have been the same?
He watches Teal’c take out his evil counter-part with pleasure and
wonders if Teal’c is thinking the same thing.
He finds comfort in the fact that at least the Asgard seem to be
good whatever universe you‘re in.
*
Sha’re is dead.
No. No, she’s not.
He thinks that either his life has turned into a dream, or he’s gone
insane for real this time, without the help of Machello.
He thinks that he’s right in not having trusted Teal’c (only, he
has) these last few years.
He tells himself that the pain in Teal’c’s eyes is well deserved.
He tells himself, as he looks into Sha’re’s dying eyes, that there
really isn’t a part of him that’s relieved this is finally over.
*
His life seems hazy these days. Nothing seems real. He’s still not
convinced this isn’t all a dream. Especially when he starts walking
through walls.
Trying to find the Harsesis child seems like a made up goal to make
himself go on when what has been the goal of his life so far is lost
forever.
He wonders if he hasn’t always been invisible and people just haven’t
noticed it until now.
He does have to admit the unlikeliness of that theory, as he’s pretty
sure that the walking through walls thing is new.
That Teal’c can somehow sense him is reassuring. Hopefully that means
that all this isn’t just in Daniel’s head. Plus, Teal’c walking straight
through him is more upsetting than he’s sure he can explain.
It’s also reassuring that Nick can see him. Which should worry him,
as Nick isn’t considered to be the most stable person. He wasn’t even
considered stable before they put him in a mental institution.
Being back in the solid world is a bit like being chained to the
ground, but also an enormous relief. He’s never realized his need
to be seen before, but then he’d like to think of himself as someone
who’s at least honest with himself and that it doesn’t upset him that
he didn’t know this about himself.
Because he doesn’t know anyone who can tell him prettier lies than
himself.
*
He wonders if it means something that the first time he kisses Teal’c
is when he basically has superpowers.
When Teal’c groans loudly as Daniel holds him down and fucks him,
he has to admit it probably does.
Afterwards, as Teal’c arrives at Daniel’s apartment and Daniel is
just Daniel again, minus superpowers, he wonders if he can put it
off as just another heady thing that the armband made him do.
As Teal’c falls to his knees and unbuckles Daniel’s belt, Daniel’s
not sure he wants to.
And as Teal’c spends the night and Daniel’s bed doesn’t feel like
the empty void it’s been the last four years, he’s sure of it.
He’s not blaming the armband.
He may even be thanking the armband.
*
When Teal’c goes to the other side of the universe with Jack and
barely comes back in one piece, Daniel starts to think that he may
mean more to him than just being a friend and occasional companion
in bed.
When they find Teal’c in the hands of Heru’ur, it’s not a question
of starting to think anymore.
He takes Teal’c home to his place when they return to Earth, telling
the others that he doesn’t think that Teal’c should have to spend
the night alone in his quarters after having being tortured.
Sam thinks it’s a good idea and Jack slaps him companionably on his
back, saying that Daniel’s the eternal humanitarian. His eyes are
knowing, though.
He lets Teal’c fuck him for the first time that night.
And for the first time in a long time, he’s content.
*
He’s a little bit at a loss as they don’t so much find the Harsesis
as it finds them. No, not it, him. The boy.
Sha’re’s boy.
Shifu.
He sees so much of her in the boy, but he can’t help but look for
Apophis as well. He wonders if it’s possible that character traits
of the larvae can actually show in a human.
Power, he discovers, is headier than he had ever imagined. It’s a
lot like when he wore the armband, only magnified by a hundred.
He avoids Teal’c when he wakes up. He’s not sure he wants to know
what it says about him as a person that he’d send someone he loves
to die, even if it was just a dream.
Dreams, Daniel has learned, have told him the truth more often than
reality has.
He holds on for a week before he lets Teal’c into his apartment again.
He hates himself for being weak, but comforts himself with the thought
that the dream was a warning. A warning of something he can avoid
now.
*
He’s staring down the barrel of the gun Teal’c is holding, his eyes
flickering between the cold expression on Teal’c’s face and Jack lying
on the ground, holding his nose.
Nothing they say seems to get through to him, and they look at each
other in concern. Ry’ac being brainwashed is still a memory that’s
sharply etched into their minds, but Teal’c doesn’t seem to be responding
to logic.
He also knows them too well. Before Sam manages to get the door of
the room they’re trapped in open, Teal’c arrives and destroys the
control to it.
He smiles in a way that chills Daniel and points at him. “Bring him.”
He barely hears the protests of the others as he’s dragged out of
the room by two Jaffa, Teal’c leading the way.
He tries to tell them that he’s quite able to walk on his own, but
they seem to find it more rewarding to try and pull his arms out of
their sockets.
Finally they arrive to their destination. Teal’c opens a door, the
Jaffa pushing Daniel inside and he’s barely able to keep his footing.
He studies Teal’c warily as the door closes behind them and he turns
to Daniel, smiling. This nightmarish day, he’s smiled more than Daniel
has ever seen before. And Daniel has had plenty of time to observe
him.
“Teal’c, you have to realize-“
Teal’c raises a hand and his smile vanishes. Daniel shuts up.
For a moment, anyway.
“What am I doing here? You know I won’t tell you anything. I don’t
think there’s anything I can tell you that you don’t already know
anyway.”
He nods. “I am well aware of that.”
Daniel frowns. “Then why?”
“These past years have been trying.” He looks at Daniel with something
very akin to disgust. “You do not know how it tainted me, always bowing
to you.”
Daniel swallows. He’s not himself. He’s brainwashed. He’s-
“Pretending to be sorry for serving my god. Pretending to be beneath
you. Pretending that killing the woman was difficult.”
It’s suddenly hard to breath. “If you were in the service of Apophis,
why would you kill Ammonet?”
Teal’c shrugged, and the gesture was so alien that alarm bells started
ringing in Daniel’s head. “She had given birth to the child, she was
no longer necessary.”
“But I was?”
“Keeping your trust was.”
“You could have betrayed us long ago if you’d wanted to.” His voice
sounds scratchy. He doesn’t know why all this is getting to him, Teal’c
is brainwashed. But the alarm bells are still ringing.
“Many enemies of Apophis have been defeated,” Teal’c says, smiling
triumphantly. “The Tau’ri served us better than we had expected. But
you are not necessary anymore.”
Brainwashed. “So, what? You brought me here to boast?”
“No.” Teal’c grows somber again, and Daniel almost recognizes him.
“The time spent with the Tau’ri was fruitful, but hard. You made some
of that time bearable.”
He walks up to Daniel and tilts his chin up with his hand, slipping
his tongue into Daniel’s mouth and pressing their bodies close.
Daniel can barely breathe; this is such a bad time for this, he should
be trying to get Teal’c to understand the truth. But his body feels
so good against Daniel’s, his mouth so sweet.
The sharp pain in his belly makes him choke, but Teal’c simply continues
to kiss him. When he starts coughing, warm liquid filling his mouth,
Teal’c steps back. His lips are smeared bright red.
Daniel looks down at the hole in his own stomach and at the knife
in Teal’c’s hand. Then he looks up into Teal’c’s face. He’s smiling
again, gently, the way Daniel secretly always wished he would.
“I wish to thank you, DanielJackson, for making part of that time
bearable. You will not be tortured. We will not interrogate you. The
gratitude of Teal’c, First Prime of Apophis, used to mean a great
deal. You will be the first to know that gratitude again.”
Daniel stumbles back a step before sagging to the floor. The knife
Teal’c’s holding is long and wide; it must have done a lot of damage.
He doesn’t have time to think anything else as Teal’c firmly presses
him down to the floor and puts a pillow under his head. He smiles
again. “Rest peacefully, DanielJackson.”
Daniel chokes again as the position on his back makes it harder for
him to spit out the blood rapidly filling his mouth.